Men are from the "O" and women are from "Starbucks"
Erin K. Johns
Pittsburgh Standard
Editors note: This article originally appeared in print on Oct 2001.
There’s something about the male sex that has always puzzled me. Well,
aside from the fact that they are obviously from a different planet. Why
is it that girlfriend, no girlfriend, whatever…they are always on the look
out for something a little better? What is it about guys that make them
think they should always be on the prowl?
Dorm life has
definitely given me plenty of exposure to all of this. It was only a day
after I arrived at this fine institution that the routine floor checks
began. Every male floor has sent at least one representative, if not
their whole entire floor, to go door to door in order to “meet people” or
“pay their respects.” All of this politeness is just a cover-up, an
opportunity for the boys to check out the fresh meat. And boys, as
oblivious as you think the female sex is, please note, we aren’t stupid—we
always know exactly what is going on.
Trust me,
it’s nice that you want to “expand your horizons” and reach out in order
to meet “new and different people,” but maybe, just maybe, sometime in the
future, you’ll stop preying on the prey and let us get some sleep. It’s
nice that you boys want to meet so many of us so badly, but, if you keep
it up, we’re going to have to instill calling hours or an incredibly scary
bodyguard. I’m not trying to be cruel. I’m just trying to give you a
proper warning.
I suppose men
can’t help it. They have a voyeuristic impulse when it comes to specimens
of the opposite sex. I know that you’re new or we’re new, but if you want
to look, you’re welcome to visit—just don’t disguise your intentions with
lies. We all know what you’re up to, and we know that by the time finals
come around, you will have narrowed your spectrum to a few precious
numbers. You’ll have located the perfect meat, and you’ll intend to do
whatever you can to get some. Hey, I understand, you’ve got to release
stress somehow. If you’re looking for the perfect girl, then turn in your
applications now. But if you’re looking for a chance to check it all out,
come back after finals: we’re closed for business.
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